AND JUST LIKE THAT: Last Supper? We hardly even knew ’er!
I can’t wait for the part where everyone eats the flesh and drinks the blood of our Lord and Taylor, Carrie Bradshaw!
Here we go: Last Supper Parte Duex: Diuretic! I can’t wait for the part where everyone eats the flesh and drinks the blood of our Lord and Taylor, Carrie Bradshaw!
Ok, so I’m pretty sure it is still the same day as when we last left Lady Beardshaw on the phone with her handsome swain Aidan Shaw, who was in Virginia crying about how the fruit of his looms, young Wyatt, had crashed his Hotwheels into a tree and exploded or something. She’s back at her old place getting ready for her big dinner party and cooing to her precious new baby kitty and begging it to fill the emptiness inside her, when her cellular telephone rings. It is Kim Cattrall!
She’s like “Surprise, queef stain! I was going to fly from London Towne to Big Apple City for your thing that I wasn’t invited to so I could burn your house down, but all the airplanes are broken so now I’m not. Byeeeeee!”
Kim Cattrall out!
Elsewhere, Charlotte wakes up from her night of artful drinking with her hard partying gallery friends to Harry being like, “You have to talk to your gay friend Anthony about anal sex now.” But Charlotte is like, “No, in fact I don’t. I have to lay in bed and watch minimum 8 hours of old episodes of American Dad while inexplicably crying. Can you order me a meatball sub and 15 Cokes and a morphine drip?” (What? How do you handle a hangover?) Harry is very upset because now that Charlotte has a job and drinking buddies, that makes him the wife! And that’s a terrible thing to be! But Charlotte’s like, “Calm down, Patriarchy Pete! You’ll get used to it.” And Harry’s like, “I guess you’re right!” And that’s pretty much it for them this season, except for Charlotte gets a new phone and they can’t figure out how to make it work.
Meanwhile, on the storm swept Coney Island shore, Steven Hobbes is trying to put the pieces of his life back together after the love of his life, Aidan Shaw, left him heartbroken and alone at his clam hut. Just when he’s resigned himself to being alone forever, he spots a lean, dashing figure approaching from a distance. Who is this studly vision with the poise and gentle masculinity of an inbred prince and alluring gait of a constipated penguin? Could this be the handsome stranger he’s been waiting for, the man who will once and for all banish all thoughts of Aidan Shaw and heal the ache in his soul?
No! It’s just Miranda, who has come to make friends! She’s like, “I forgive you for being too dumb to realize I was gay bones this whole time!” And Steve just gazes into the middle distance and longs for death’s cold embrace.
At Columbia School of Sad Ladies, a nice old man wanders into Professor Karen Pittman’s office and tells her that she has been appointed to the Prestigious Institution of American Laws, which I don’t know what that is, but I do know that American Laws these days are mostly about terrorizing trans people, so I don’t know how prestigious that really is. But PKP seems to think it’s nice, so good for her! A nice thing happened to her! And she really hasn’t gotten to do much this season, so that’s nice.
What’s not nice is that she immediately wants to text her husbone, André Rashomon, to tell him about her nice news, but remembers that he is not her husbone anymore, due to him impregnating a white woman who was in his band. Which makes her sad again. Poor poor lonely horny prestigious PKP!
That night, everyone gathers at Carrie’s for her Michelob chef feastarama! Charlotte—who has made a truly supernatural recovery for a 56-year-old who had a debilitating hangover mere hours earlier and by all laws of god and nature should still have her head in a toilet—bursts in and smacks a martini right out of Nicole Ari Parker’s hand! She’s supposed to be recently pregnant and that means no drinking alcohols! But NAP is like, “Oh, no no, that fauxetus fell right out of me last night, so it’s fine.”
Then later when Carrie is showing off her sweet baby kitty (its name is Shoe, which is so profoundly dumb and I hate it equally as much as I love that Charlotte’s bulldog is named Richard Burton) and calling it her BABY, NAP realizes that she was just about to have a new BABY, but she witchcrafted it out of herself by being a career woman! So she runs off to the bathroom to have a sad, because I guess that’s what women are supposed to do when they “lose” a “baby” they never wanted in the first place.
Anyway, to get to the bathroom, she has to run through Carrie’s famously insane closet (which, god help us all, we may never see ever again after now) where Anthony and Juiceppie are making out. See, earlier they were still disagreeing about whether Anthony would allow Juicy-pie to place his enormous Italian penis inside of his butthole. And Giusepiggie was like, “If I can’t-a, how you say, butt-a fuck-a you, I just-a go back-a to Italia!” Which seems a lot like sexual extortion to me. But then Anthony’s like, “No! I love you! You can stick anything you want up me! Lacrosse sticks! Occasional furniture! Unopened mail! Consider my ass cheeks swinging saloon doors! Just don’t leave me!” Then they kissed, as Lizterette, who had been skulking in the corner not talking to anyone because everyone at the party is 40 years older than she, discovered the bras Carrie has left behind for her to stuff inside the life-size Carrie Bradshaw sex and also maybe voodoo doll she’s been secretly making.
Meanwhile, Che has been in the kitchen forcing a poor cater waiter to do shots with them. He’s like, “Sir! I’m going to get fired!” as Che shoves a beer bong tube down his poor throat. Classic Che! Then Miranda comes in and is like, “Your comedy about me being a pathetic midlife crisis queer was mean and not funny at all, but we have to be friends now because that’s my GROWTH arch I guess.” And Che is like, “Sure, fine, whatever,” while they’re secretly undressing Lizzerette with their eyes and plotting a terrifying orgy with her, the unwilling cater waiter, Toby, and the used-bra-and-Cup-O’-Noodles-stuffed Carrie doll.
Who else is being weird? Oh, right, Seema! She’s still upset that both she and Ravi, that director man with all the ascots, said they loved each other during straight sex. Plus, he’s always on his MoviePhone doing Hollywood business with Egypt! “I can’t love a man who says he loves me but is always on the phone with Egypt!” she whines. Then later, Ravi is like, “I know! Why don’t you just come to Egypt with me for five months so I don’t have to be on the phone with it all the time?” Obviously, Seema isn’t doing any of that because of how much she loves New York and working all the time. [NOTE: Glamorous workaholics are a capitalist sham perpetrated on the American public to keep us from realizing that we shouldn’t be spending 99.9% of our precious fleeting time on this earth endlessly toiling so that other people can profit off of our labor.] So, she’s just like, “See you when you get back maybe!”
The fancy Michelob dinner is real dumb and comes with all these rules, like how everyone has to eat olives in a very specific order only when the chef tells them to. Plus, having cast herself in as Jesus at this Last Supper, Carrie is in full main character mode, speechifying and making all of her poor guests be sad with her dumb game where they have to say things they want to let go. (Also, where the shit is Steven Hobbes, please? I thought he was supposed to be here which was why Carrie guilted Miranda into coming?)
Luckily, Miranda gets a call from BBC to do an emergency interview about Human Rights. So, she bolts right out of there and later gets to have drinks and flirting with that sexy British giantess she met at the UN before.
Also, remember how PKP met that sexy man in the season premiere several years ago? Of course you don’t! Well, it turns out he was the Michelob Chef all along! So, they do some flirtation and then go back to her place to probably make love, and PKP will never be lonely and sad again! Hoorah!
So, all of Carrie’s guests have left and she is alone in her apartment with her kitten once again, when suddenly a brick comes flying through her window! It was thrown by Aidan Shaw, who literally flew to Virginia last night but has returned to take his vengeance on his nemesis, Carrie’s apartment. And also on Carrie’s heart, because he tells her that he can’t ever come back to New York for five years because of how his son is a teenage delinquent now and needs his papa.
“But we’re not breaking up though,” he says.
And Carrie is like, “Huh? How’s that work?”
And he’s like, “I dunno!”
And then they have tons of very naked sex at her new Gramercy house which I guess she lives in all alone with her cat now.
The next day, as Aidan is maybe leaving forever, Seema calls Carrie and is like, “Let’s go to Greece now!” And because international air travel is apparently like the subway or Game of Thrones dragons on this show, the next day they are on a Greek beach bitching about their absconded boyfriends and having cosmopolitans. Which in NO WAY makes up for us not getting at least a two-episode arch of them in the Hamptons!
Random finalamente thoughts:
Carrie is so cute with her kitten! But its name is a crime against humanity.
Weird choice for a show about clothes (this is a show about clothes, nothing else) to do essentially a bottle episode where everyone wears basically only one thing the whole time.
It is my birthday now! Literally right now! So, if any of you want to fly to New York for 12 hours Annabelle Bronstein/Aidan Shaw-style for my party, do it!