AND JUST LIKE THAT: Victor Garber, Candace Bergen, Billy Dee Williams, and Gloria Steinem walk into an episode…
Wow, Season 2 is really going for it with the guest stars and cameos! Episode 4 is like, “Tony Danza? Jackson Maine? LOLOLOL, previous episodes! How about Victor Garber, Candace Bergen, Billy Dee Williams, and GLORIA FUCKING STEINEM?”
Ok, so, another day, another luncheon! This time Carrie is dining out with Jackie so that she can bestow upon him a copy of her sad book about John Big’s recent tragic untimely death. Terrible present! Jackie doesn’t want a depressing grief memoir! Jackie wants…I don’t know, an X-box or a fidget spinner probably. In fact, he doesn’t want that book so much that he immediately has diarrhea and has to run away to ruin this fancy restaurant’s fancy toilette! (Why does this franchise about fancy ladies love poop jokes so much? Remember that time Baby Brady Hobbes pooped on Miranda’s face? Or the time Charlotte soiled herself in front of everyone in fake Mexico?)
So, while Jackie is evacuating himself in the cocaine closet, Carrie gets a random text and it is just a photo of an old guy. “What is that about?” we ask. “Don’t worry about it,” the show replies, because also here is Candace Bergen, Carrie’s former Vogue editor who is always lurking in restaurants trying to avoid her.
“Candace! CANDACE BERGEN! IT’S ME, YOUR OLD FREELANCE EMPLOYEE CARRIE BRADSHAW!” Carrie screams at her.
And so poor Candace Bergen has to go talk to Carrie now about how Anna Wintour fired her from Vogus. She’s like, “Boo-hoo-hoo, I got a golden parachute!” (SIDEBAR: Why do rich people talk about the “golden parachute” like it’s a bad thing? You get bazillions of dollars to not work anymore and do whatever you want? And you’re upset about it? Fuck directly off.) Anyway, now Candace Bergen is doing a SUBSTACK (!!!) or whatever, and Carrie is like, “Mention my sad book in your SUBSTACK!” But Candace Bergen doesn’t wanna, probably because she is aware of what a bad writer Carrie is, and SUBSTACK IS A PLACE FOR VERY GOOD WRITERS. Instead, she wants Carrie to “get involved” with the blog (different from SUBSTACK) she’s launching for old ladies just like Carrie.
Carrie is like, “What the actual fuck, Candace Bergen?” and slaps her directly in the face for calling her old.
Meanwhile, Nicole Ari Parker and Charlotte are shipping all their offspring off to summer camp so they can do lots of straight sex with their respective husbands. And maybe each other’s husbands? They’re all like, “Hooray, the kids are gone, time for SWINGING!” And NAP and President Christopher Jackson have a big orgy party planned!
Except no, that is wrong. Actually it’s just their anniversary party, and NAP has invited her father.
Wait.
Her…father? Isn’t he…dead?
In Brooklyn, Miranda is back living with Steve who is a boxer now and can 1000000% STILL GET IT!
Why is Miranda living with Steve—who again, is still smokin’ hot and should be shirtless in every scene of this show? Because Brady Hobbes was depressed about that girlfriend marooning him in Europe and they all have to go to therapy together. So, the Brady-Hobbeses are doing great.
At coffee one day, Carrie, who has graduated from putting birds on her head to putting manta rays there instead, is all distraught because Candace Bergen has declared her elderly. But Seema is having none of this nonsense! She’s like, “Go to Candace Bergen’s old launch party, and get her to plug your sad book up her blog!”
Meanwhile, that old man is still mysteriously sending pictures of his old self to ol’ Carrie, and no one understands why or how!
Speaking of mysteries, Charlotte is on the case of the missing sperms this week, because Harry’s are nowhere to be found. See, they were having straight missionary sex one time, and Charlotte was like, “Cum on my tits!” But then when Harry did his orgasm nothing came out! Nothing! Not a single drop! And Charlotte was distraught, because she is a person who loves cum! She just loves it so much! So, they go to a sperm doctor, who tells them that Harry has to do kegel exercises to lure his jism out of hiding. And kegel exercising is Charlotte’s specialty! Her second favorite thing after cum! So, she coaches Harry back into being able to blow massive loads all over her. The end of that!
Now, here is a picture of the suspiciously young therapist Miranda and Steve have chosen to treat their depressed 30-year-old son:
But that’s probably fine, because Brady Hobbes announces that he is cured of depression and it is time for Miranda and Steve to talk about their bullshit, i.e. WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING TOGETHER??? Apparently, Brady Hobbes has never heard of Bill de Blasio and Chirlane McCray or Seema’s French Dirtbag and his ex-wife. He is SO UPSET about their whole arrangement that he forces poor ripped daddy Steve to agree to move out. Also, he announces that he is not going to college, which is also probably for the best because Miranda hasn’t had a job for like two years and Steve owns a bar in 2023, so who was gonna pay for Brady Hobbes to go to SUNY or whatever anyway?
That night, Miranda and Carrie go to Che Diaz’s new fancy apartment in Hudson Yards, and guess who is there! It is Jackson Maine, Che Diaz’s current husband! So, they all drink some alcohols (I guess except for Miranda who is probably still an alcoholic?), and it seems like maybe Carrie and Jackson Maine are flirting. Will our heroine fall into bed with this charming rogue? I mean, he is kinda giving Aidan Shaw vibes circa 2000 with the denim shirt and all the giant man-rings!
But TWIST, it is not Carrie who falls into bed with him—it is Miranda and Che! Here is what happens: everyone piles onto Che’s bed due to their Ikea couch falling directly apart, and they’re talking about how Jackson Maine and Che Diaz were in a throuple long, long ago and their girlfriend used to peg JM, and former sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw is being super judgmental about it. So, they tell her to go jump off the Vessel, and then Che and Miranda and Jackson Maine all start trying to have a threesome. Things deteriorate rapidly, however, because for two sexually progressive ethical slut sex freaks, Che Diaz and Jackson Maine don’t seem to know a lot about basic 3-way etiquette, which is: NEVER MAKE SOMEONE FEEL LEFT OUT!!! (Actually, this feels like authentic classic Che Diaz narcissistic behavior, honestly.) They’re making out and, like, fully ignoring poor Miranda, so she fakes a broken leg or something to get out of it. And it’s just like…LET MIRANDA HAVE HER MIDLIFE CRISIS 3-WAY AND PEG JACKSON MAINE GODDAMMIT!
(SIDEBAR 2: I kinda…don’t get the concept of “pegging.” I mean, I get it, obviously. But I’ve never understood why we need a whole other word for when cis straight men get fucked with a strap-on. Like, is it just so we all know that they didn’t get fucked with an actual flesh-and-blood penis attached to another cis man because that would be gay? Is that the reason?)
While all this is going on, Charlotte and Harry go to Nicole Ari Parker and President Christopher Jackson’s anniversary orgy. Also at the anniversary orgy: Nicole Ari Parker’s impossible mother-in-law being impossible; Victor Garber, who is an art gallery owner; and Nicole Ari Parker’s father, who has been found alive and well and is also Billy Dee Williams. That’s everyone though, because NAP and PCJ have been SO BUSY with their CAREERS that they plum forgot to invite the rest of their 4,000 guests.
Which is great news for NAP’s mother-in-law because she gets to be even more PUT OUT than normal and is righteously rude to everyone. Also, Billy Dee Williams is some sort of Communist who hates President Christopher Jackson because he is apparently a money worshiping Capitalist pig. So, NAP has to jump to her husbone’s defense and announces that he is running for city comptroller in order to selflessly save New York from greed and graft or whatever it is comptrollers do!
Meanwhile, Victor Garber is like, “Charlotte York…Didn’t you invent Jeff Koons???” and offers her a job at his gallery. But Charlotte is like, “Oh, no, I’m so rich I couldn’t possibly go to job!” and turns him down.
The next day, it is the world premiere of Candace Bergen’s crone blog, and all the oldest ladies in New York City are there: Bitzy Van Muff-fluffer, Carrie Bradshaw, and GLORIA STEINEM.
Gloria Steinem is on And Just Like That. What are we even doing, America???
Anyway, remember that old man who keeps mysteriously texting Carrie? Turns out, Blitzy Mufflepuff gave him her phone number, because she thinks Carrie needs some good dick to get over her John Big grief. And apparently that old guy has one hell of a dick! To prove it, Bitzzle texts Carrie a picture of it RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF GLORIA STEINEM’S SPEECH!
Later, Carrie is waiting in line for the bathroom. The door opens and Gloria Steinem appears…heralded by the sound of a flushing toilet. That’s not even a joke. This insane show literally has Gloria fucking Steinem enter a scene to the sound of a TOILET FLUSHING. Why? WHY, show? I mean, I know we all have bodies and the things that they do should not be shameful or whatever, but come on! Have a little respect for a woman who has given her whole entire life to feminism and the fight for equality, please, I beg of you!
So, Carrie gets all starstruck and gushes to Gloria Steinem about what an inspiration she is before some handler comes and rescues her. Then Candace Bergen comes over and Carrie is like, “I’ll totally write for Crone.blog!” But LOLzzzzz, Candace Bergen doesn’t want Carrie’s silly little writings! She wants $100,000 in fundage! And Carrie is like, “Well, if I give you $100,000 I’d have to give everyone $100,000.” And then out of nowhere, Billy Dee Williams is like, “YES! GIVE EVERYONE $100,000!!! YOU IMMORALLY WEALTHY SOCIOPATH!”
But instead, Candace Bergen offers to plug Carrie’s sad book on her Substack in exchange for the money, which is 100% how journalism ethics work and if anyone would like to give me $100,000, I’ll mention whatever the shit you want right here!
Then a toilet flushes and Gloria Steinem appears again, and the three of them take a photo together. But, seasoned magazine editrix Candace Bergen wants photo approval, so she snatches Carrie’s phone out of her quivering hands and starts swiping through her photos (unforgivable breach of privacy!) and discovers the dick pic Blintzy sent…which I guess Carrie saved for no reason?
“That dick belongs to my BOYFRIEND Morley Safer!” Candace Bergen shrieks! And Carrie is so mortified she just starts throwing money at Candace Bergen and flees the party, never to return again!