AND JUST LIKE THAT: Why Do These Fancy Ladies Hate Gay X-Mas?
Good god, what even was this episode?!? So much happened and none of it had really anything to do with anything else or moved the “plot” forward in any meaningful way. Also: What is the plot of Season 2? So far it just feels like we’re spinning our wheels waiting for fucking John Corbett to show up for no reason. Is my brain so broken by PEAK TV serialized drama that I can’t just enjoy a mildly amusing 45-min. hang with fancy ladies in pretty clothes? (And the clothes really are pretty.) I mean, I know Sex and the City used to have, like, random episodes with fuck-boys-of-the-week or whatever and that was cool and fun. But those episodes also…I dunno, conveyed a larger point? Right? And nothing in this episode did anything like that!
UUUGGHHH! Why is it 5am at Che Diaz’s obscene apartment??? Oh, right, because Miranda’s thing lately is that she has to commute between fucking Hudson Yards (which is a blight on New York City and I’m so mad that this show is like, “lalala Hudson Yards! Nothing to investigate or critique here!”) and Brooklyn to make sure Brady Hobbes doesn’t kill himself every morning or something.
Also, why is it Halloween?! Remember a few weeks ago when it was Met Ball Monday, i.e. the first week of May? And then last week when it was Summer Camp time? Well, now it is the end of October, why not!
Miranda and Carrie are headed to a big benefit party Charlotte is throwing at the Prospect Park Boathouse (Benefiting what? I forget! But probably nothing that does anything but benefit the already wealthy!), and Miranda is like, “We should have worn costumes, womp womp.” And Carrie is like, “Exquease me, madam! I am so wearing a costume! I’m Millie Bobby Brown or whatever!” And Miranda is like, “Bitch, you look as wacky as you always do!”
Then when they get to the party Charlotte is like, “Why aren’t you wearing costumes!” And Carrie is like, “HURLEY BURLEY BROWN!!!” And Charlotte is like, “Bitch, I have seen you wear that dress to Duane Reade on a Tuesday in March!”
But also Charlotte looks like she just threw on a sweater as well. But she’s like, “No no no! I’m Keri Russell from The Americans! Plus, Harry is wearing a wig like Matthew Rhys!” Then she spends the rest of the party trying to explain The Americans to everyone, because tragically no one watched that genuinely wonderful television program! Stop reading this and go watch all of The Americans right now, you precious fools!
Seema also is not wearing a costume, and it’s like, WHY DO THESE FANCY LADIES HATE GAY CHRISTMAS!?! WHY??? (Altho, the running jokes about The Americans and Carrie trying to convince everyone she is in a costume are pretty solid, so I guess I’ll forgive this blatant attack on gay culture.)
Meanwhile, Professor Karen Pittman can’t score a man despite being dressed up as Catwoman, so Seema and Carrie decide they have to take her to a fancy hotel bar because that’s where rich men are, and why the hell would these women ever consider doing sex with anyone who is not super duper stupid rich??? (Isn’t Professor KP, like, a human rights lawyer or something? Is she…not concerned about income inequality? Why is she agreeing to this blatantly classist plan to get her laid?)
So, the next night or whenever, PKP and Carrie and Seema go to said hotel bar, and both PKP and Seema end up getting laid. PKP’s guy is just a generic hot man who we never see again, but Seema’s HAS A PENIS PUMP! Which I guess he just carries around with him at all times, because it’s just there when they are doing foreplay at Seema’s satin swathed apartment. She’s like, “Cool cool cool,” and once he is properly inflated, I guess they have sex.
But actually, her whole vibe is not very “cool cool cool” with this, so she has to call Carrie the next day and tell her all about it. And Carrie, a woman who has ostensibly been reporting on the vast spectrum of human sexuality for like 25 years, is so shocked by the mention of a penis pump that she stops in the middle of a bike lane and causes a cyclist to crash! Luckily, the guy is very tall and handsome and is also Liz Lemon’s cousin who she accidentally dated one time on 30 Rock. So Carrie takes him to an Urgent Care to flirt with him while he whimpers in pain due to his broken arm.
While waiting for a doctor to set his bones, Liz Lemon’s cousin gets a call from his panicked business partner. They are desperately trying to sell an app BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! So, Carrie immediately assumes that he is impoverished.
Elsewhere in this chaotic episode, Charlotte’s kid Rock has been scouted as a teen model for a Ralph Laurén fashung campagne whilst skateboarding in the park. Charlotte is thrilled in a very unfulfilled dreams Mama Rose kinda way, but Harry is convinced that kid Rock is about to be human child trafficked. Which, you know, is reasonable I guess considering a random adult man approached his teenage child in a park. But Charlotte is convinced that Harry is just paranoid due to being such a fan of PEABODY AWARD WINNING flawless television series The Americans. (Was the point of that whole Halloween interlude just to set up this lame storyline???) And she might be right, because instead of actually doing something normal like looking up the Ralph Laurung scout guy on LinkedIn or whatever, Harry hatches a scheme to infiltrate the photo shoot disguised as a teen boy wearing his Matthew Rhys wig.
He’s all like, “Cowabunga, fellow Gen Zebras! Let’s make some child porn!” But it turns out the shoot is actually legit, and Charlotte is like, “Stop being a weirdo and get out of here directly!” Which he does.
Meanwhile, another middle-aged teenager is RUINING Miranda’s life too! It is, of course, Che Diaz, who likes to stay up every night until 4am with their friends smoking pot and playing video games while Miranda is trying to sleep. Luckily, though, Professor Karen Pittman, is like, “Come and live in my ex-husband André 30000000’s ex-man cave!” So, now Miranda has three places to live!
Also meanwhile, Carrie is very worried that Liz Lemon’s cousin whose arm she broke is desperately poor. And, honestly, it’s probably futile at this point to try to parse what Carrie’s actual understanding of actual poverty actually is. Anyway, she shows up at his MANHATTAN APARTMENT one day with millions of soups, the official food of the poor, a thing I assume she has never ever done before for any of the many, many actually economically disadvantaged people of New York City. I guess she expects him to be living in a cardboard box or something, but instead, she discovers that he is rich. (Naturally! Why would this show ever depict a non-rich person!?)
She’s so relieved that she hasn’t accidentally stumbled into the life of a POOR that she makes out with him. But then Liz Lemon’s cousin’s business partner shows up and is like, “Stop making out with that lady! We have to do app selling!” And Carrie leaves.
Now Che Diaz’s storyline, which is all about how Sara Ramírez’s feelings got hurt because everyone hates Che Diaz because we are MEAN and for no other reasons. See, ABC or whatever is doing a focus group for Che’s sitcom pilot, and all the focus group pleebs are like “We hate Che Diaz!” One is an old man who doesn’t understand nonbinary, but another is a nonbinary hipster who is like “Che Diaz is a DAD JOKE! Boooo, dad jokes!” And it’s like, once again this show seems like it’s trying to clap back at its critics in the dumbest way possible which is: trying to make us feel bad for criticizing dumb jokes, clueless writing, and off-putting performances because we might hurt the widdle feewings of the ADULT PROFESSIONALS WHO PUT THEIR WORK OUT INTO THE WORLD.
Anyway, Che gets all depressed and banishes Miranda to Professor KP’s house so they can smoke pot all night and be sad.
Over at Seema’s Satin Palace, Penis Pump Guy fails to make her orgasm despite his pumped-up wang. So, after he’s done doing sex on her, she pulls out a golden vibrator to finish herself off. And, oh my god, Penis Pump Dude flips the ever-living fuck out! “Not cool! NOT COOL!” he screams and storms out of her house nakedly, leaving her alone with her 24-karat bean buzzer.
Ok, back to Carrie and Liz Lemon’s cousin. They are making out in his bed one night when suddenly that business partner guy FaceTimes him. He’s like, “HELP! Where is the deck for selling out app! WHERE IS THE DEEEEEEECCCCCCKKKK!??” (What is a deck? Is it a PowerPoint? Is that what it is?) So, Liz Lemon’s cousin hops out of bed to go find the deck, leaving the business partner on FaceTime. And the business partner starts complaining to Carrie about how he’s the money guy and Liz Lemon’s cousin is the creative guy and he has to take care of him and get his laundry and cook his soup and they’re in love or whatever. And Carrie is like, “Nope, I’m outta here,” because she has decided that Liz Lemon’s cousin and the business partner are “married.”
The end. What was the point of any of this!?!