Uuuuuggghh…It’s gonna get real messy from here on out. The show is kinda in decline at this point and my memory of these latter seasons is…vague. Feel free to sort me out in the comments!
Season 4:
In the dark of night, someone fleas Downton Abbey. It’s O’Brien! Sort of… She’s sneaking off to go work for Lady Rose’s mom who really liked her for some reason during that last Christmas special. But she’s cloaked in shadow, so we never actually see O’Brien, and that is because Siobhan Finneran was done with this nonsense already and did not return to film these scenes. Hahaha!
Meanwhile, Lady Mary has gone full goth due to the death of her husband/cousin Matthew last season when the show literally hemorrhaged series regulars.
Umm…fuck. What else happens this season? Fuck!
I think…this one was The Prime of Lady Edith Crawley. She’s got a regular newspaper column now and is spending a lot of time in London and has really come into her own in terms of her look. Then she gets all flirty with her editor, and they fall in love and have straight sex before marriage. But it turns out…he has an insane wife who is institutionalized? So…I think he has to go to another country or something to divorce her? But he disappears and never comes back, which is especially terrible because also Edith is pregnant! Yikes!
So, she tries to go have a back-alley abortion (TOPICAL! Ugh.) but chickens out because this is definitely not the kind of show that thinks a lead character can remain sympathetic after EXERCISING HER INTRINSIC RIGHT TO MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT HER OWN BODY. Ultimately, Lady Rosamund takes her off to Switzerland to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Also, the Dowager finds out and helps them, I think? Anyway, all of this is such a bummer, because fabulous-girl-reporter-about-town Edith was really fun (there is supposedly a deleted scene where she literally hangs out with Virginia Woolf!) and it really sucks that the show had to knee-cap her like this. Cause also, it only gets worse next season. That I do remember, but kinda wish I could forget!
Remember how Lady Rose is living at Downton now? Well, at some point she brings a jazz band to play at a party, and she gets all flirty with the singer who is Black and also “American” (his accent is v bad). They meet up a few times, but it goes nowhere because hahaha how could it??? But I’m sure somewhere Julian Fellowes was high-fiving himself for figuring out how to get a person of color on the show.
UGH. God. Ok, this is also the season when Anna is raped. It’s awful, so feel 100% free to skip this paragraph. Just…ugh. Ok, so I think Mary is gradually coming out of mourning and single dudes start showing up to kind of tentatively flirt with her? Like, the guy from Weekend, Tom Cullen. So, straight actor Tom Cullen from perfect gay movie Weekend is visiting, and he has his handsome and charming valet with him. And the handsome and charming valet rapes Anna. Awful. So upsetting. I cannot stress enough how terrible this storyline is, because while Joanne Froggatt does get to play Anna’s trauma pretty affectingly—she won’t tell anyone except Mrs. Hughes about what’s happened to her and it causes a rift between her and Bates—the whole thing ultimately feels like it’s just soapy grist for the plot mill. Because then the handsome and charming rapist valet is mysteriously pushed into traffic in London and dies and Anna is arrested for his murder. So, here we go with another abysmal Anna and Bates murder gaol plotline except opposite this time. Again: ugh.
Oh wow, so I forgot that in Season 3 we got two other new servants: Alfred, a tall goofy ginger footman who is constantly jealous of handsome Jimmy and is O’Brien’s nephew and the cause of her feud with Thomas because he wouldn’t mentor Alfred; and Ivy, a new mousy kitchen maid who is supposed to be prettier than Daisy I guess, so they are constantly at odds too. So: Daisy likes Alfred who likes Ivy who likes Jimmy who is too cute for anyone and doesn’t really care about any of these kids, but sometimes flirts with Ivy to make Alfred mad. And this is the dumb love-quadrangle that continues this season. Also, Thomas—who everyone knows is a gay “sex criminal” and a scheming thief—is an “under butler” now, I think—whatever that means. But who cares. I fucking like Thomas, so I’ll take it.
So, remember that maid from the Season 3 Xmas special who tried to seduce Branson? Well, she’s back! But this time she’s Lady Grantham’s lady’s maid because no one upstairs remembers her hahahaha. She resumes her seduction attempts on Branson, who finally succumbs because fuck what else does he have to do anymore? But then he feels immediately guilty about it. And this maid—was her name…Edna?—fakes a pregnancy to trick him into marrying her! But Mrs. Hughes sees right through that somehow—I guess she’s…obstetrically psychic?—and saves the day, and Edna quits again!
With devious Edna gone, Thomas deviously recommends a new replacement: Miss Baxter, some lady he’s known since he was a kid. Also, he has some mysterious dirt on her which, because he’s Thomas, he uses to blackmail her into pointlessly spying on everyone—i.e. ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE CONSTANTLY COME TO HIS AID AND GIVEN HIM A BILLION SECOND CHANCES DESPITE HIS SCHEMING, STEALING, SEXUAL HARASSMENT, ETC. Also, she’s terrible at spying. Like, as terrible at spying as Thomas is at scheming. She basically just repeats snatches of gossip that neither of them understand, so Thomas is constantly just trying to figure out what’s going on in other people’s storylines. Actually, if they had played this whole thing more for comic relief it would have been really funny!
At some point, Lord Grantham has to go to America to save Lady Grantham’s brother from financial ruin or something, which is hilarious because Lord Grantham is constantly losing all of his own fortune! But he takes Thomas with him, and it is implied that Thomas gets to have all kinds of gay sexual adventures on the trip. But all that happens off-screen. *Sigh*
Ummm… Mary is getting more involved in running Downton, which is what saves her from grief. I think also they decide to make Branson the estate agent, which means he…runs things kinda? Because he pretty much doesn’t have anything else to do anymore now that no devious maids or rebellious daughters want to fuck him. Is this the one where Mrs. Hughes has cancer? Maybe that’s next season? Also, Baxter starts getting super friendly with Mr. Molesley, who is Matthew’s former valet, who is now a footman and the most annoying character. I try as much as possible not to remember the dumb stuff that Molesley does.
So…then…Christmas special, I guess? Again, not at Christmas. This time it’s about everyone going to London for THE SEASON, which is when all the aristocratic teen girls get paraded in front of the King and Queen because now they are ready to be married off. It’s time for Lady Rose to “come out,” but instead of her horrible mom being her sponsor or whatever, Lady Grantham does it.
Shirley MacLaine is back for some reason and she’s brought Paul Giamatti along to be Lady Grantham’s brother. He’s kinda sad and weird, but then he offers Ivy a job working for him in New York, so that’s the end for her! And also him, because we never see Paul Giamatti or Shirley MacLaine ever again.
The Dowager has this new lady’s maid who is a full-on hilarious floozy named DENKER! That’s her name! She gets Andy, one of the London footmen, into some drinking and gambling trouble, but I think Thomas saves him from that? Anyway, Denker is a hoot!
Ok, so during all of the parties and stuff for Lady Rose’s coming out, the Prince of Wales comes by (I think this is the Nazi one who abdicates, right?) and he and a few of the other regular upstairs dudes get all swindled playing poker with this card sharp—shark? No that’s not right… Actually, somebody has incriminating photos or something about one of the Prince’s mistresses? And so Mary and some other people have to steal them back. And it’s financial genius Lord Grantham, I think, who gets card sharked? Oh god! I just realized that the person who sorts all that out is Edith’s newspaper editor boyfriend, who I guess isn’t disappeared yet and all that stuff comes later??? Wow, I’m very confused now. Cause now I seem to remember him fishing with Matthew, so was he around for Christmas in Scotland??? UUUUGGGHHHH. Sorry gang!
Anyway, I think this all ends with Mary making come-fuck-me eyes at what’s his name from Weekend, which means she’s out of morning and ready to marry someone again!
Next week: Whatever I can remember from Season 5!