The Agony of “Gay” “Cinema”: Jeffrey

He’s taking his balls and going home!

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a perfectly nice person who I will probably never see again, and during this totally pleasant date that went nowhere, I told him all about this little gay movie recapping project I’m doing. And I mentioned that I was about to revisit Jeffrey soon, but I was worried it might not work for The Agony of “Gay” “Cinema”; that it just wouldn’t do to make jokes about such an important, actually classic gay film. Like, maybe Jeffrey was too important or too good a movie to kinda roast.

“Jeffrey’s…not a good movie,” he replied.

Huh. That…was not a take I’d expected. Granted, it had been maybe 20 years since I last saw Jeffrey. Was it…not good? Let’s find out!

So, maybe the first thing we need to mention about Jeffrey is that it’s written by Paul Rudnick, who, you may remember, also wrote In & Out. Rudnick adapted Jeffrey from his own play, and the film predates In & Out by a couple years. Both films have a similar madcap, screwball energy and over-the-top side characters. But Jeffrey is scrappier, less polished, less Hollywood. It’s looser, more impressionistic at times, definitely weirder. It’s full of cut-away gags that interrupt the narrative, and characters are constantly breaking the fourth wall—a legacy of its theatrical roots, for sure; but it’s also a way for these queer characters to assert their subjectivity and in certain instances literally challenge the audience’s perception of them.

Jeffrey was also directed by Tony-winning theater director Christopher Ashley who, like Rudnick, is openly gay. It is a queer film that speaks much more directly to a queer audience, and specifically cis gay men—whereas In & Out, was clearly aimed at a broader, straighter audience. All of which is to say that, while I didn’t plan it this way, it’s been fascinating to think about these two films back-to-back—about a gay writer (Rudnick) writing for a gay audience vs. writing for a straight audience.

Jeffrey (openly straight actor Steven Weber), the handsome gay hero of our gay story, loves gay sex. It’s literally the first thing he says in the film! It’s…kind of his defining characteristic? (Is Jeffrey a sex addict?) The problem is that it’s the early 90s and the AIDS epidemic, exacerbated by the Regan administration’s purposeful neglect, has literally decimated an entire generation of gay men. (Fuck that Nancy Regan stamp BTW!) So now, sex between men is super fraught because everyone is afraid of getting sick and dying a horrible death and Jeffrey just cannot handle all the hoops you have to jump through—tests and sharing medical histories and open honest communication about previous sexual experiences and partners—just to get laid.

“Sex is too sacred to be treated this way,” Jeffrey whines. “Sex was never meant to be safe or negotiated or fatal!” I mean, yeah, I hear you on the fatal part. But also, feeling safe can be pretty integral to some people’s ability to experience pleasure during sex, ok, Jeffrey? (Jeffrey, it turns out, is pretty narcissistic when it comes to…most things.)

Anyway, rather than deal with all of that like an adult, Jeffrey decides to opt out. He’s taking his balls and going home! He’s going to be celibate! (Which, actually, was kinda my initial reaction to Monkeypox recently, so who am I to judge.)

Almost immediately all these extremely fit gorgeous mostly shirtless dudes who are super hot in a tanned mildly hairy kinda sweaty 90s way start appearing to ruin Jeffrey’s life. Specifically this guy, Steve:

Steve basically immediately puts his crotch in Jeffrey’s face at the gym and is 100% fully in love with him right away and wants to make out immediately, which they do!

Then there’s this cut-away to imaginary straights that are supposedly watching the film, and all the dudes are grossed out because of gay kissing, but the girls are like, “Awwwwww!” Which I guess is fine until those girls decide to one day have their bachelorette parties at gay bars.

Unfortunately for Steve, though, Jeffrey is, as previously noted, celibate, so he runs away and almost gets hit by a taxi! Fortunately for Jeffrey…Mother Teresa is magically there to save him? Maybe because he’s celibate? Who knows!

Later he’s shopping at Barneys (R.I.P.) with his friend Patrick Stewart who is trying on scarves. “Can I do this?” he says about one, “Or do I look like some sort of gay superhero?” And that is the true story of how Patrick Stewart was cast in X-Men.

Patrick Stewart, who is a rich interior designer, thinks Jeffrey’s celibacy plan is so dumb. He says Jeffrey should have a relationship instead. Because that’s how that works. You just want a relationship and one happens to you. There are infinite gay dudes just waiting around to be monogamous husbones with you all the time! “If you had a boyfriend everything would be fine!” Patrick Stewart insists, just like it is with him and his boyfriend Darius who is a Broadway dancer in Cats and is played by that gay one from early Mad Men. You know, the one who acted out the Ann Margaret dance from Bye Bye Birdie for his poor wife who was like, “Ooooooooh fuuuuuuuuuck,” because that’s when she realized he was a big homo? It’s that guy. Also, Darius is HIV-positive and Patrick Stewart isn’t and intends to stay that way.

Suddenly there’s another cut-away and Jeffrey and Patrick Stewart are on a gameshow along with the very swishy waiter who was just serving them coffee—who claims to be bisexual, which, HAHAHA, because no one believed that existed in the 90s except for in women. The game is called “It’s Just Sex” and the host asks them questions about doing it.

Question no. 1 is: What seemingly harmless events can now be fatal if they occur during sex?

Waiter: “A papercut.”

Jeffrey: “Recent dental work?” (Jesus, Jeffrey, how bad are your teeth??? Maybe what Jeffrey needs is a social worker…)

Patrick Stewart: “Florescent lighting.”

Patrick Stewart is the winner for some reason!

Question no. 2: Who is your favorite sexual fantasy?

Waiter: “Denzel Washington.”

Jeffrey: “That guy at the gym.”

Patrick Stewart: “Yoko Ono… to see the apartment!”

Patrick Stewart hilariously wins again!

Bonus round: Basically, what will happen to Jeffrey, a sex addict, if he just stops having sex?

No one knows! Except Jeffrey! He plans to pour himself into his career and be a big success! Except Jeffrey doesn’t have a career. He is an actor cater waiter. Which we get to see him doing at a “ho-down” themed AIDS benefit hosted by Christine-fucking-Baranski! Unfortunately, all the waiters are wearing little racist headbands with feathers and saying things like this:

Jeffrey: How!

Other Waiter: Why???

But guess who is bartending? It’s gorgeous Steve from the gym! (Apparently, he’s…not a trainer, he’s a bartender?) So, he and Jeffrey are, like, flirting hard! And gang, let me tell you, Steve is fully head-over-heels smitten with Jeffrey somehow! Like, he is not just horned up for him, he is IN LOVE and wants to have babies and a joint checking account with Jeffrey! He even remembers seeing Jeffrey, professional actor, in a walk-on role as a gay neighbor on some cop show!

Their sexual tension is so intense that it suddenly manifests as a gay square dance fantasy sequence:

But Jeffrey has to a stop to that before it can culminate in a synchronized orgy, because gays aren’t allowed to have fantasies anymore due to AIDS, according to him.

Cut to someone named Sharon (played by a young J. Smith Cameron!) talking about her sex addiction. So, Jeffrey is a sex addict and is now going to 12 step meetings now? Unclear, because mostly these scenes just function as interstitial gags.

Over brunch at Patrick Stewart’s house, he and Darius are trying to convince Jeffrey that they are the perfect wholesome gay couple. But Jeffrey is like, “You’re filthy gay-wads! A dancer and a decorator!” But actually, that’s ok, he says, because gay role models shouldn’t have to conform to heterosexual standards of acceptability, which is true and a sentiment that was conveniently left out of In & Out, a movie that is desperate to convince its straight daddy that it’s a nice normal movie that just happens to like guys and not one of those swishy loud weird faggy movies.

Patrick Stewart: “I was watching these two guys on Nightline on Gay Pride Day, and one of them said ‘Hi, I’m Bob Wheeler. I’m an attorney and my lover is a surgeon and we would like to show America that all gays are not limp-wristed screaming queens…’ I just thought, Ooh, get her!”

*Chef kiss* Fuck late-90s assimilationist politics!

Then Patrick Stewart and Jeffrey give Darius shit for not knowing who Martha Stewart, but he just turns to the camera and says: “Some people think I’m dumb just because I’m a chorus boy with an 8th grade education. Well, I live in a townhouse, and I don’t pay rent… Dumb, huh?” He also loves being in Cats because he’s too happy to be in Les Mis. “Get over it!” Darius is my hero.

The doorbell rings and SURPRISE! Patrick Stewart has somehow invited Steve to brunch too! I…guess he looked him up in the gay registry? Of course, this spooks poor Jeffrey, who fleas and is pursued down the street by Steve, Patrick Stewart, Darius, and several NEW YORK CHARACTERS (including Camryn Manheim as Kathy from the Kathy comics) who all insist that he’s being an absolute twit for not dating this handsome gorgeous muscular man who is deeply in love with him after meeting him twice.

“Aaack!” shouts Camryn Manheim!

But Steve is like, “We can take it slow!” So, then Jeffrey is convinced now. They can go on a date! And everyone rejoices!

Except then, Steve is like, “Oh, btw, I’m poz.” Which, DOUBLE AAACK! Because that was what Jeffrey was afraids of all along! Now he has to pretend that he’s totally ok with this even though he’s actually freaking out due to terror of dying or seeing someone he loves die a horrible painful death.

So then…Jeffrey goes to Sigourney Weaver’s inspirational TED Talk? She’s apparently some kind of unhinged relationship self-help guru. Her message: “Love is real! Go for it!” Unclear, again, whether this is all happening in the context of the film’s narrative or if it’s just a fantasy sequence illustrating Jeffrey’s anxiety about dating an HIV-positive guy. Not that that really matters actually. Kathy Najimy has an insane cameo as a Sigourney Weaver super fan, and she’s also kinda giving desperate Kathy comic energy, so, like, does this movie maybe hate women?

After that, Sigourney Weaver calls Jeffrey to the stage. “What do I do about this hunkamaniac I like who is HIV-positive?” he asks. And Sigourney Weaver starts confidently filibustering about EVIL being the cause of illness, which like, is this what Christian Science is? And then that scene is over! HAHAHAHAHA, I guess!

Sex Addict #2: A young Victor-fucking-Garber! So handsome!

Anyway, Jeffrey cancels his date with babeatron Steve, who is so sad he has to do some dancing to house music.

Jeffrey, also sad, goes out to the Stonewall Inn where he encounters Patrick Stewart and Darius who are doing community anti-gay bashing patrol with the Pink Panthers. Jeffrey fills them in about the situation with Steve, but they have to dash to Washington Square to save some body builder from his shorts? (Are the shorts…bad? Or are they horny to see what his body-built butt looks like in them? Unclear!)

Cut to: Sex Addict #3, a schlubby guy I don’t recognize who says he has a 14-inch penis.

Back in the West Village, Steve is out too and runs into Jeffrey. Steve is over Jeffrey’s bullshit now though, which I guess perversely makes Jeffrey suddenly horny for him? So, he pursues Steve down the street to apologize, and they have this whole emotional back-and-forth where Jeffrey is sorry and Steve is like, “So we can do hot safe sex now please!” Then Jeffrey gets all scared and uptight again and Steve gets frustrated and is like, “It sucks to have HIV,” and “I think I love you, Jeffrey!” Just taking some wild swings there, Steve! In the end, Jeffrey is too freaked out to even kiss him (didn’t they already kiss tho?), and Steve is like, “Oooook. Goodbye forever now.” Good for Steve!

Now Jeffrey hates sex and love and the world and is so upset that he accidentally runs right into some scary gay bashers who gay bash him. (Where the hell are the Pink Panthers when you need them?!?) But, so, here’s the weird thing about this scene: the gay bashers are all like “You go to da gym, you got nice frens, you think you’re so hot!” and “You think you’re bettah dan us!” They’ve all got outer borough accents and are pretty much coded as working class. So, there are some kinda icky class dynamics going on here that I’m not sure what to do with, because I’m not super sure this movie has thought about them particularly deeply. Like…homophobes = poors? Or…???

Anyway, they beat Jeffrey up and rob him and run away. But then Mother Teresa is back to comfort him again, and Jeffrey is kinda hysterical and starts singing the theme song to Cybill (yes, I know it’s actually a jazz standard or whatever) and this woman looking out of her window starts singing along—but like…WHY DIDN’T SHE CALL THE COPS PINK PANTHERS BEFORE???

Later, Jeffrey calls his parents and imagines what it would be like if he could talk to them about his current sexual existential crisis. Their solution: phone sex, masturbation, Jeff Stryker pornos, etc. Hahaha! Old straights talking about gay sex stuff is fun! I mean that! It actually is! Talk more about gay sex stuff, old straights!

So, then Jeffrey is our last Sex Addict. He blames his sexual compulsion on his childhood friend Billy who used to dare him to get naked when they were both 14. And I guess then they would fool around? It is very unclear here whether Jeffrey is describing a consensual experience.

Next, Jeffrey is cater-waitering the memorial of someone who has died of AIDS. The film refers to this as “a bachelor party.” You know, because of all the hot gays whose lovers are dead so they are single now. Of course, Jeffrey has a crush on all the boy and feels gross about it. “Oh, please,” says Patrick Stewart. “It’s not that we’re not sad. It’s just that…there are all these guys here.” But Jeffrey spots this guy who used to be hot but is now sickly and blind, and he freaks out. So, Patrick Stewart and Darius try to snap him out of it by talking about Darius’s memorial. They’re both brave and witty about it all, and then they try on big black hats with funeral veils.

But actually, it turns out Darius is very sick, because then we cut to the three of them leaving the ballet later, and Darius falling down the stairs. So, an even more distraught than usual Jeffrey goes to church looking for spiritual guidance during this literal plague that is killing people like him. Unfortunately, all he finds is Nathan Lane, who is a priest and very much wishes to sexually harass him.

“One of my best friends is sick!” Jeffrey cries. “Why did he* do this?” *He means God, which is a made-up person.

Poor Nathan Lane, who just wanted a quickie, starts squawking about Broadway because actually that is his religion, not Catholicism. See, there are only two things that Father Nathan Lane likes: Broadway and gay sex. He is an extremely horny priest. Then he says that God is like a balloon that people bounce around at a party, keeping it from falling to the ground. “The very best in all of us. The kindness. The heavy petting. Funny Girl!” But like…wouldn’t “God” be us in this scenario and not the balloon? I’m really not sure Father Nathan Lane is great at spiritual guidance, honestly, but I guess balloons are my god now.

So, Jeffrey and Nathan Lane are arguing about good and evil and what you’re supposed to do in the face of the monumental certainty of grief. Then this elderly white woman in the church is like: “The only real blasphemy is the refusal of joy!”

Wow. Wowowowowow. Yeah! That!

(Also, Nathan Lane starts singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” unhingedly!)

Later, it is Pride in Central Park and Steve is busy organizing everyone for the parade march. (I mean, whatever, it can be both a celebration and a protest I guess.) But he is interrupted by Olympia Dukakis and her transgender daughter. *Sigh* There’s a lot going on in this cameo. First, Olympia Dukakis famously played transgender landlady Mrs. Madrigal in Tales of the City a few years prior to this, which made her an LGBTQ+ icon. (I mean, no one should hire cis actors to play trans roles, but it was 1993 and I guess at least they didn’t hire a cis male to play that role so maybe it’s a wash?) Second, OD’s character consistently refers to her femme-presenting adult child as her “son” and dead-naming her. Which…no. No, that is not how affirming your child’s gender works. Third, the portrayal of OD’s trans daughter is very…frat boy in a wig. I mean…it was 1995. What can you do but notice it all, hope we’re doing better now, and move on.

So, Jeffrey is out for a run and FUCKING LOL “kinda forgot it was Gay Pride Day.” GTFO, Jeffrey! Anyway, he runs into Steve and they’re kinda flirting again. But then Jeffrey is like, “I’m moving back to Wisconsin to hide from AIDS. Bye forever!”

Fortunately, Steve is now dating a nice hot gay man of color who is not the worst like Jeffrey is.

Three weeks later, Patrick Stewart is in a hospital waiting room because Darius has died. Jeffrey tries to comfort him, but PS is pissed and thinks he might actually kinda hates Jeffrey. LOL! Join the clurb, Patrick Stewart! “You know, Darius once said that you were the saddest person he ever knew,” he tells Jeffrey. “He was sick. He had a fatal disease, and he was one million times happier than you.”

Then the ghost of Darius appears in his Cats costume and tells Jeffrey to LIVE! “Go dancing!” he says. “Hate AIDS, Jeffrey, not life!”

So, freshly cured of his terminal sad-bastard neurosis, Jeffrey invites Steve to a private romantic dinner. And insanely, Steve shows up! Turns out, that hot guy he was dating dumped him. Which is convenient because now Jeffrey wants to have sex and be in love!

Obviously, Steve is intelligently skeptical. “I’m still HIV-positive,” he fumes. “It doesn’t go away, Jeffrey. It only gets worse.”

But then Mother Teresa is back, smoking and playing the piano and Steve is suddenly quite liking their new power dynamic. “Buy me some jewels!” he demands! Which, yes! He deserves them after all of Jeffrey’s nonsense! Jeffrey makes him promise that he’ll never get sick and die, which they both know is a lie. But then the waiter brings them a red balloon which is God just like Nathan Lane said. And they bounce their god around and this proves to them that…love is real I guess? So they kiss and this movie is over!

Verdict: Jeffrey = good movie!